On-Foot Goes to Bizarre Bohol

Almost a year ago, On-Foot, the most fun travel show on earth hosted by the most fun comic host (me), shot a two-episoder in the beautiful island of Bohol with the help of our weird but dependable guide/producer Leo "jerjer" Udtohan. This time around, my crew, composed of Paolo "bite-size" Viloria as cameraman and Patrick "silence, kids!" Dionisio as weight balancer, and I experienced the bizarre side of the island. More bizarre than Leo sharing his Internet softcore pornography business to my former crew Theo a.k.a Dr. Boogie Nights, who is now in Hawaii pursuing his teaching career, and Al "sickly" Manalo, who is on vacation in the States right now reminiscing his open mic days.

After our flight landed on the chocolate-hilled island (and I don't mean Katya Santos' bossom who graced the festivities), Leo whisked us away to Mt. Ilijan to see a princess. According to Leo, princess Analiza has lived in the mountain with her daughter "Batong-Orange", which means orange rock, for over 3 decades. This mystical princess has devoted followers who take care of her and worship her. I imagined this tribal princess with tattoos all over her naked body, kinda like the Badjaos or Ifugaos that live in the mountains as well.

Our hike to the princess was dangerous, life-threatening, and muddy. I even had to tend to the call of nature (no. 2) on a cliff using my thigh muscles to prevent me from falling off to my eventual and stinky death. Luckily, I didn't have to use leaves to clean myself since Paolo had some leftover Yellow Cab Pizza napkins. After rapelling off rocks using vines and avoiding being bitten by a colony of ants, we arrived at the princess' hut where a small group of the princess' followers, including a dude with a guitar and a nasty half-grown beard, welcomed us with open arms and eerie smiles.

Then, from the secluded bamboo hut with plywood-covered windows, the princess gave instructions in a language only her followers could decipher. It sounded like this, "shirikimkimshirikim". I thought she was making it up but the guitar dude understood exactly what it meant and started playing the appropriate music to which the rest of the cult members sang along, "God bless around the world". I thought, "That is wrong grammar!" But who am I to judge, especially in a mountain where nobody could hear my screams in case the cult decided to kill me for making fun of their religion. Two songs later, the princess revealed herself from the window covered by cardboard.

Princess Analiza and her daughter Batong-orange appeared before us in full gown ilke an apparation. We were dumbfounded mostly because we've never seen royalty wearing cardboard crowns from Burger King and Elton John sunglasses. And that's when I feared for my life and remembered movies such as Blair Witch and Misery. Leo kept egging me to ask the princess questions. "I have no questions, your highness", but in my mind I wanted to ask "At what point did you completely lose your mind?"

Patrick: I think we should leave now while we're still alive
Tim: Yes. Let's throw them Paolo. That will give us enough time to escape.
Paolo: Tell my parents I love them.
To the cult's credit, they were very nice and hospitable. They fed us non-poisoned food and took us inside the cave where we had a breath-taking view of the mountain.

Our next stop was Tubigon where the talented Lungsuranon Performing Arts Ensemble and their leader Dennis Balbero were waiting for us. The youthful group performed several traditional dances and songs to our delight. Bite-size Viloria even joined in the "crab" dance which was actually a ploy for him to be with the young girls inside a huge cage. Luckily, he didn't catch any crabs.


From there, we took what must've been a 4-day ride with our feverish driver pushing the van to its physical limits while avoiding chickens, dogs and shirtless provincianos on the Beirut-like roads. It was dawn when we arrived in Baranggay Garcia where the giant top competition was being held on an outdoor cement basketball court.

Locally called "paro", the game is unique to this locale. The tops are about the size of my head and could take out a school of children if operated by an unexperienced player with lots of angst. Fortunately, I am a "paro" prodigy and was able to score by taking out a target on my first try. After showing the town my hidden paro talent, I am now a living legend in that town. A shrine was built for me and they declared that day a Baranggay holiday. There's just something odd about 40-year old adults playing a game made for 5-year old kids.

Accomodations for the weekend were graciously provided by Ananyana resort, one of the most beautiful I've stayed in (and I've stayed in a lot). This photo is the beach in front of the resort. Ah.. white sand. It reminds me of Boracay back in the 80s.




Ananyana was so kind that they even gave us a free sample of their spa treatments. Massage only. God is watching!

And let me ride on their horse. Too bad I forgot to bring my 2-piece bikini. I could've teased the repressed locals with my bouncing hairy chest.



Hanging out with Coyang Rod Nepomuceno (in his Baywatch trunks) from Philippine Star and his friend Mawi (not the hot babe).

On-Foot crew enjoying the beach with Ananyana resident manager Joy Suarez. According to her, the Cebu-based furniture designer Kenneth who provided Ananyanas interior is also the furniture designer of Bradd Pitt. I'm getting closer to him by the day.

The On-Foot crew enjoys breakfast at Ananyana. The tarsier creature standing beside us is Leo "jerjer" Udtohan. This is a rare picture of him since he is a nocturnal creature and avoids being on camera.

The 2nd day was another busy day which involved:

getting hammered by a gavel by our lovely sponsor and future congresswoman Francesa Bobbith Cajes-Auza, president of the Sangguniang Kabataan Bohol Federation. Thanks, Sk, for the plane tickets

hanging out with Leaders Incorporated (LiNC), a group of students known for their volunteerism and dedication for the improvement of Bohol. And I thought they were just another cover band

getting my ass kicked in chess by chess wizard Jedara Docena who is half my age and can play against 8 players simultaneously

and getting rearended by a speeding mini-truck which nearly took out my whole crew including coyang Rod and Mawi. Luckily, we weren't wearing our seatbelts which made us more lose to absorb the impact avoiding whiplash. I sill suffer from post tramautic stress syndrome though...not from the accident but from seeing the princess.

Our last day was relaxing. We had breakfast and lunch at Ananyana where we were served scrumptuous meals prepared with TLC.

Then we headed off to the airport where I was mobbed by one of my millions of fans in Bohol. The young student wanted to interview the funniest travel host on earth, so since Ian Wright wasn't available, I filled in. She told me how she and her classmates idolized me to which I replied "You have to aim higher than this. There's no bright future in cracking jokes for a living!" I was lying of course. I just didn't want any competition in my already overcrowded field of fun travel shows.

Finally we got on the plane and dozed off dreaming that someday we could all be princesses of our own mountain. It's good to be on a fun travel show. Thanks, bizarre Bohol.

On-Foot can be seen daily on the Living Asia Channel. Visit www.livingasia.net for the schedule. Visit www.timtayag.com for more nonesense.