Handling Hecklers in Your Stand Up Performance

Here's a quick way to shut up a heckler in your show.

This guy was actually pretty nice, but as a stand up comedian, you got to put them in their place before they can smell fear. So be it.

Coffee and Comedy Tour

The Coffee and Comedy at the Bean tour, which launched in September 2006 and ended on October 19, 2006, was the first Standup comedy tour of its kind in the Philippines. The concept started when I was walking around Greenbelt, after a nice pedicure, and saw some posters at a coffee shop of a band that was playing in the cafe. So I thought, "Hey, why not a comedy tour of all the coffee outlets in Metro Manila?" After several months and several meetings with Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf (thanks to Paolo Del Rosario), the tour materialized. Together with my comedy partners, Al Manalo, Marlon Olivan, and the now defunct "tenderizer" Raffy Taruc, we provided laughter for coffee junkies in 9 out of 10 branches. Due to the billboard-wrecking typhoon Milenyo, our gig at the Eastwood outlet was cancelled, though we'd still like to perform there some day (hint hint to Coffee Bean and Globequest).

The branches we hit are as follows (ranked from best to least best audience and venue setup): Convergys, Alabang Town Center, Greenhills Promenade, Greenbelt 3, Salcedo Park, Ortigas Center, Paseo Center, Mall of Asia, and Tomas Morato. If we had to do the tour again, I personally would pick the following: Convergys, Alabang Town Center, Greenhills Promenade, Greenbelt 3, and Salcedo Park. The other venues were also very nice, but the ones I mentioned are my favorites and are the least likely to be affected by weather, unless we get another killer typhoon like Durian. May the souls of those who perished rest in peace.

Veteran comedian Al Manalo showing the Ortigas crowd his comedic stylings outdoors.


Thanks to everyone who watched us during the comedy tour. Now, we embark on another tour - the 15th Asian Games in Doha, Qatar. Go team Philippines!

On-Foot Goes to Bizarre Bohol

Almost a year ago, On-Foot, the most fun travel show on earth hosted by the most fun comic host (me), shot a two-episoder in the beautiful island of Bohol with the help of our weird but dependable guide/producer Leo "jerjer" Udtohan. This time around, my crew, composed of Paolo "bite-size" Viloria as cameraman and Patrick "silence, kids!" Dionisio as weight balancer, and I experienced the bizarre side of the island. More bizarre than Leo sharing his Internet softcore pornography business to my former crew Theo a.k.a Dr. Boogie Nights, who is now in Hawaii pursuing his teaching career, and Al "sickly" Manalo, who is on vacation in the States right now reminiscing his open mic days.

After our flight landed on the chocolate-hilled island (and I don't mean Katya Santos' bossom who graced the festivities), Leo whisked us away to Mt. Ilijan to see a princess. According to Leo, princess Analiza has lived in the mountain with her daughter "Batong-Orange", which means orange rock, for over 3 decades. This mystical princess has devoted followers who take care of her and worship her. I imagined this tribal princess with tattoos all over her naked body, kinda like the Badjaos or Ifugaos that live in the mountains as well.

Our hike to the princess was dangerous, life-threatening, and muddy. I even had to tend to the call of nature (no. 2) on a cliff using my thigh muscles to prevent me from falling off to my eventual and stinky death. Luckily, I didn't have to use leaves to clean myself since Paolo had some leftover Yellow Cab Pizza napkins. After rapelling off rocks using vines and avoiding being bitten by a colony of ants, we arrived at the princess' hut where a small group of the princess' followers, including a dude with a guitar and a nasty half-grown beard, welcomed us with open arms and eerie smiles.

Then, from the secluded bamboo hut with plywood-covered windows, the princess gave instructions in a language only her followers could decipher. It sounded like this, "shirikimkimshirikim". I thought she was making it up but the guitar dude understood exactly what it meant and started playing the appropriate music to which the rest of the cult members sang along, "God bless around the world". I thought, "That is wrong grammar!" But who am I to judge, especially in a mountain where nobody could hear my screams in case the cult decided to kill me for making fun of their religion. Two songs later, the princess revealed herself from the window covered by cardboard.

Princess Analiza and her daughter Batong-orange appeared before us in full gown ilke an apparation. We were dumbfounded mostly because we've never seen royalty wearing cardboard crowns from Burger King and Elton John sunglasses. And that's when I feared for my life and remembered movies such as Blair Witch and Misery. Leo kept egging me to ask the princess questions. "I have no questions, your highness", but in my mind I wanted to ask "At what point did you completely lose your mind?"

Patrick: I think we should leave now while we're still alive
Tim: Yes. Let's throw them Paolo. That will give us enough time to escape.
Paolo: Tell my parents I love them.
To the cult's credit, they were very nice and hospitable. They fed us non-poisoned food and took us inside the cave where we had a breath-taking view of the mountain.

Our next stop was Tubigon where the talented Lungsuranon Performing Arts Ensemble and their leader Dennis Balbero were waiting for us. The youthful group performed several traditional dances and songs to our delight. Bite-size Viloria even joined in the "crab" dance which was actually a ploy for him to be with the young girls inside a huge cage. Luckily, he didn't catch any crabs.


From there, we took what must've been a 4-day ride with our feverish driver pushing the van to its physical limits while avoiding chickens, dogs and shirtless provincianos on the Beirut-like roads. It was dawn when we arrived in Baranggay Garcia where the giant top competition was being held on an outdoor cement basketball court.

Locally called "paro", the game is unique to this locale. The tops are about the size of my head and could take out a school of children if operated by an unexperienced player with lots of angst. Fortunately, I am a "paro" prodigy and was able to score by taking out a target on my first try. After showing the town my hidden paro talent, I am now a living legend in that town. A shrine was built for me and they declared that day a Baranggay holiday. There's just something odd about 40-year old adults playing a game made for 5-year old kids.

Accomodations for the weekend were graciously provided by Ananyana resort, one of the most beautiful I've stayed in (and I've stayed in a lot). This photo is the beach in front of the resort. Ah.. white sand. It reminds me of Boracay back in the 80s.




Ananyana was so kind that they even gave us a free sample of their spa treatments. Massage only. God is watching!

And let me ride on their horse. Too bad I forgot to bring my 2-piece bikini. I could've teased the repressed locals with my bouncing hairy chest.



Hanging out with Coyang Rod Nepomuceno (in his Baywatch trunks) from Philippine Star and his friend Mawi (not the hot babe).

On-Foot crew enjoying the beach with Ananyana resident manager Joy Suarez. According to her, the Cebu-based furniture designer Kenneth who provided Ananyanas interior is also the furniture designer of Bradd Pitt. I'm getting closer to him by the day.

The On-Foot crew enjoys breakfast at Ananyana. The tarsier creature standing beside us is Leo "jerjer" Udtohan. This is a rare picture of him since he is a nocturnal creature and avoids being on camera.

The 2nd day was another busy day which involved:

getting hammered by a gavel by our lovely sponsor and future congresswoman Francesa Bobbith Cajes-Auza, president of the Sangguniang Kabataan Bohol Federation. Thanks, Sk, for the plane tickets

hanging out with Leaders Incorporated (LiNC), a group of students known for their volunteerism and dedication for the improvement of Bohol. And I thought they were just another cover band

getting my ass kicked in chess by chess wizard Jedara Docena who is half my age and can play against 8 players simultaneously

and getting rearended by a speeding mini-truck which nearly took out my whole crew including coyang Rod and Mawi. Luckily, we weren't wearing our seatbelts which made us more lose to absorb the impact avoiding whiplash. I sill suffer from post tramautic stress syndrome though...not from the accident but from seeing the princess.

Our last day was relaxing. We had breakfast and lunch at Ananyana where we were served scrumptuous meals prepared with TLC.

Then we headed off to the airport where I was mobbed by one of my millions of fans in Bohol. The young student wanted to interview the funniest travel host on earth, so since Ian Wright wasn't available, I filled in. She told me how she and her classmates idolized me to which I replied "You have to aim higher than this. There's no bright future in cracking jokes for a living!" I was lying of course. I just didn't want any competition in my already overcrowded field of fun travel shows.

Finally we got on the plane and dozed off dreaming that someday we could all be princesses of our own mountain. It's good to be on a fun travel show. Thanks, bizarre Bohol.

On-Foot can be seen daily on the Living Asia Channel. Visit www.livingasia.net for the schedule. Visit www.timtayag.com for more nonesense.

Laugh All You Want (the return to Cebu)

The comedy trio at the airport waiting for our flight to Cebu (L to R: Al "pussy hunter" Manalo, Raffy "the Huk nasty" Taruc, and me "mata-pussy"). This was taken at the ungodly hour of 5:30am. You can almost smell the dried up saliva on our cheeks from sleeping with our mouths open. The only guy missing is Pussy Magnet, formerly known as Maw-lon O. Well allright then...

Here we are (L to R: me "mata-pussy", Patrick "original pussy hunter" Cruz, Raffy "the Huk nasty" Taruc, and Al "pussy hunter" Manalo) standing before our first billboard. The big face on the right is the legendary Gary Lising. The billboard is on Gorordo Avenue, a national road, in Cebu City, Philippines. I've never had my face blown up this big and if you look close enough, you will see my nosehair sticking out (and I thought I cut it that day they took the photo). Next goal is to have an even bigger billboard on EDSA with just my underwear on. Got to lose some weight now.

Lunching it at the Port Seafood Restaurant at the Waterfront with the jokester Gary Lising and producers Reggie and Bubut, yeah that's a guy's name. Gary's joke: "I was at church last Sunday and I saw someone smoking and it was so disrespectful. I was so shocked I almost dropped my beer." That's the shit that makes you the headwriter of the Tonight Show. Carson pays for that kind of shit.... or does he?

We Did It!!!

We conquered Music Museum! And we did it our way, the straight standup way, except for our ending which was a mockery of what we said we wouldn't do - sing. But how can you not sing and dance to "ain't no mountain high enough..." I'd like to thank the band for hiding my vocal insecurities, Patrick and Cielo for giving me courage and soymilk, my girlfriend for being my lucky charm and source of material, God who was the host of the show, Al for not being gay, Marlon for not taking drugs, my Mom for buying all the CD's, my sister for providing security, my brother for holding his breath during the whole show, that guy in the audience who shouted "stop singing and stick to comedy!" I love all of you!



Please buy our newly released bootleg CD entitled "Nutritious Standup", comedy without the fat. You can order it by emailing ecircle_entertainment@yahoo.com or by calling +63.927.538.2843. We'll even sign it for you.


It's a really funny CD and we're retiring most of the jokes in it so you better buy it because you'll never hear those jokes again... except in the CD, which you should buy lots of and give away as Christmas presents or birthday gifts. It's got nutritious punchlines without the puns or long setups that lead nowhere. Real, organic, home grown punchlines that will leave you satifsfied unlike those empty slapstick calories. Eat up!

The Big Day

Yes, today is the big day. I'm not talking about a wedding or a circumcision, I'm talking about our first show at the famous Music Museum, where big names like Gary V. and Ogie Doggie have debuted. I use singers as pegs because there's nobody that does the type of comedy that we do in the Philippines right now, except for my partners in comedy Allan and Marlon. We're all excited in a breakfast-coming-back-up-my-throat kind of way to spread our point of view comedy to the rest of our countrymen and make a decent living while doing so.

So what did I do last night to prepare besides offering an egg of an unborn duck at the Quiapo Church? I played basketball where I embarrassed my opponent (but mostly myself) with my airball jumpers and panting. Some guys who play the sport really take it seriously though, especially overweight guys who have birthmarks on their faces. Like the guy I was guarding last night, he started pushing me and slapping me around. Can I help it if I play tough defense with my fingers up their ass - it distracts them so I can go for the easy steal. I hate guarding player who have body odor though. I just let them have the basket because I don't want my hands smelling of mildew and onions. Sure they won the game, but at least I smell better.

So wish me luck, destiny, because tonight will be history in the making. And to any of my readers, please buy our first cd entitled "Nutritious Comedy". Thank you, good night, and drive safely.

On the blogwagon

I've fought this blog thing for a while because airing your dirty laundry in public, like those apartments in Hong Kong, never really appealed to me, but on the other hand, it is a good writing exercise in a Doogie Howser kind of way. Besides, I need a blog to create a podcast according to my research. By the way, I'm still figuring out how to post audio and video files on this blog, so if you, the reader, know how to do it, please let a blogger know.